Choices: Christmas Courage or Christmas Crazy

December 23, 2007

My youngest son asked a question I was perplexed with answering. He asked: If so many people do not go to church or believe in Jesus, why do they put up lights and trees and buy presents?

And about the only reason I could honestly commit to was that people long for hope, for love, for friendship. People give gifts out of love and out of hope for love being returned.

Those are difficult concepts for anyone to understand, least ways a 9 year old. And while I understand the mathematics behind the probablities of human behavior I am in awe of the human spirit.

Going shopping at this time of year is crazy, isn't it? So here are millions of people spending money they don't have on a holy day in which they do not believe for a brief moment of happiness, or at least the pursuit of happiness.

And yet there are far fewer smiles and less laughter than one might expect. I can understand this. I have friends who have lost a family member or friend to death's door. I know single mothers stretching their budget and their hearts. I know out of work professionals who are accustomed to spending $300 or more per child, and this year they have to say “no” for the first time. I know families divorced or estranged for myriad reasons. I have several friends struggling with overwhelming illnesses. I know a young couple who gave birth to a stillborn child this week.

And yet every major spiritual framework places a Festival of Light somewhere near the Soltice, both the darkest time of the year and the beginning of the return to sunlight.
Which strikes me as a Real Metaphor for humanity. Only, we are the suns, the stars that shine in a darkened world whirling in pain, sadness, and lonliness.

So my challenge this year for myself and I invite any souls reading my writings to join me: Rather than submit to the craziness of frantic meals, sweets, wrapping OBJECTS, try to make the choice to wrap yourself in light and laughter and the hugs of family and friends, even if you only have one. If you cannot hug yourself or another person, hug a pet, hug a plant, hug a pillow. If you need to cry, do so. If you need to scream, do so.

Then rather than accepting craziness, embrace courage, the courage to smile at another person, a type of facial hug, while you are shopping, pumping gas, driving in traffic.
And in your heart, wish the person the BEST of the season, and follow that thought with wishing yourself the same.

It takes courage to save a life, to be a fireman, a guardsman, a police officer.

For many of us, it takes at least as much courage to smile at another person.

So I smile at you across cyber space and wish you a joyous ChristMass, a belated wonderful Hannukah, and joy in the shortest day being the nexus for increasing light. This is the first ChristMass ever in my life that I have chosen courage over crazy and fear.

*Merry Christmas. Life is a gift.*

Friendship is Hard Work, not skills management

December 15, 2007

In class this past Sunday our fearless instructor asked a leading question.

But first, I know he is fearless not only because he stands in front of our persnickety class, but because he has admitted his failings and seems at peace with them. That is courage.
So our fearless leader asked a leading question (drat, no pun intended) ( I don't like puns). It went something like this...If you walk into your kitchen and your Mom is standing at the sink crying, what do you do?

Now this is a very simplistic question that does not take into account any history between mother and child. Yet what happened was very informative and eye-opening for me. My classmate answered along these lines: “Why, I would go up to her and ask what is wrong and see if I could comfort her.”

However, others of us responded more emotionally: “I would leave quickly!”

Now back story left out, that is quite a contrast in responses....reassure or runaway?
I could get meandering along and question whether one response is neurotypical and empathetic while the other response may be more along Aspergian reactions but I wish to go somewhere else with this.

Relationship is hard work, very hard work. And those who are “neurotypical” seem to grasp the intricacies of social context in an easy going manner. But is that true? Witness the huge numbers of divorces, and that doesn't reflect the number of broken relationships between singles or same gender partnerships. Witness the professional categories of lawyers, counselors, psychologists growing well past the proportion economics ordinarily indicate. Witness the statistics for suicide, substance abuse, and school violence.

Wow. Now that you are totally depressed and feel complete revulsion about a possible relationship with me, let's head back to FRIENDSHIP.

Friendship is an ideal. Friends listen. Friends offer support during joyful times and harsh times. Friends respond. Friends accept you as you are. Friends go with you on your journey(s). Friends comfort, encourage, enlighten, amuse, sing, and dance and cry with you.

Such an ideal, ja?

Yet in day-to-day events, no one can be all those verbs and nouns all the time. A person who demands that level of interaction may be considered manipulative, controlling, narcissistic, and the intensity may be diagnosed as unhealthy. A person who offers that level of support may be insecure and co-dependent.

Yet those are the IDEALS of true friendship.

How does anyone TEACH those altruistic and complex ideas? How do persons LEARN to listen, learn to encourage, learn to accept events and people “at face value?” The number of assumptions and presumptions is astronomical...just take one or two of these characteristics, break down the skills and tasks inherent in comfort, for example. Then do the multiplication.
Staggering, absolutely staggering.

So I am amazed at those interventionists and educators who strive day after day, year after to year, to teach some social skill to the neurodiverse. Each 'thread' of intervention, from Applied Behavioral Analysis to Cognitive Behavioral Theories to Sensory Integration ad infinitum, strives to improve the QUALITY OF LIFE for the autism spectrum child (and occasionally even the adult).

I was recently in Long Beach, Cali, (that's what everyone “out there” called California) for a retreat/institute with the Freedom Writers Foundation. For the first time in my life I had a one-on-one for much of my stay and it changed my life. Robyn, Sonia and Zac accompanied me pretty much everywhere, along with my trusty Dachshund mix, Shakespeare Aristotle Redboots.

But Robyn, Sonia and Zac didn't just walk beside me, they embraced me and totally accepted me, made me feel like family, or at least how I would like to think family SHOULD feel, and they made a safe a and happy spot for me so I could learn, and meet other people, and participate in the program.

So for the better part of five days I was completely myself and accepted and enjoyed as myself.
That did more for me in five days than 30 years of struggling, developing coping strategies and accommodations and striving to adapt to everyone about me!

So I have been thinking about skills and tasks and the fact now that autism has been proven to be neurological, a physical and permanent condition. And I put that together with quality of life issues and with the fact that blind and deaf persons are no longer seen as retarded and worth putting in an institution and I come up with the idea that as more Aspergians and “high functioning” auties find one another, that perhaps we shall evolve our own CULTURE, our own language and methods for relating to others, and once again I have hope.

My friends Zac gives me lots of hope. He 'translates' words and events for me and he gives me time to process questions so the answers are mine, not hurried. He watches me and notices when I am uncomfortable then takes steps to improve the situation.

And that is my definition of improving the quality of my life and my relationships. I can pay attention. I can hug someone and maybe even be patient.

One of my favorite quotes is from the brilliant artist and scientist Michaelangelo: “I am still learning.”

So if a great mind can say that with inner peace in his old age, then so can I.

Friendship is hard work. Friendships can be very painful. Real friendships are worth the effort.

I am, indeed, still learning.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Tony Attwood meets Erin Gruwell: Freedom for Real

December 2, 2007 1 AM

Finding a Voice, Being a Person

Result: Freedom for the Aspie

Freedom happens when you have a voice-with-imagery-and-words (one phrase) which triggers the COURAGE to seek a Relationship, that is, an audience. (Someone sees and hears you.)
If you do not know that the Other exists then there is no impetus to create or be creative.

Without awareness of the Other there is no need or desire to speak.

But further, even if there is a need, a desire, if the Other does not RESPOND—and especially if there is not human response but only savagery of the body, mind, heart and of soul—if there is no Other to listen, to affirm, then creativity, using one's voice, withers and fades away....not a sudden releasing death, but a weary, painful agony of aloneness.

Freedom is the ability to shine, to see the effect of that Light on the Other, and then to receive Light in return.

Freedom is not about SELF, but about SACRIFICE; and yet that very act of giving up
AMAZINGLY *
results in becoming MORE
-More love
-More truth
-More beauty
-More HOPE
-More courage

Freedom means it is okay to fly to a strange (very) city and to meet strangers—who aren't.
Freedom means it is okay to cry because all pain is equal. There is no petty pain. It pain were small then it would not be recognized as pain and we-I wouldn't change.

Freedom means it's okay to Laugh. Giggling is fine, but Real Freedom means Real Laughing, laughing because the Other hears, the Other understands, and together we-you-I are safe.
Freedom means it is okay to be goofy, to be silly, to be weird, to DANCE, because you are SAFE with the Other.

Freedom means having the courage to see....
....the courage to act...
...the courage to fail.

Real freedom means transfoming PAIN, sharing that transformation, and setting the pain and the change free to keep the Transformation Process eternal.

Humans are annoying, yes. I can think how others may think about my friends. I can think how perky and poised Erin can be reacted to by some people as if she were annoying. I can think how pumped up, dynamic and passionate Reneé can be reacted to as if she were annoying. I can think how gentle and self-effacing Fernando, a Knight, could be perceived of as annoying. These are some of my heroes!

In my experience, so many persons have the effrontery to judge others and I want to stop that. I know that most of the people that I have met—and they easily number in the thousands—have chosen to perceive me as an annoyance. I am too intelligent, too perky, too shy, too heavy, too something. This annoyance toward me started as a chain reaction begun by my own parents.

I have never felt accepted. I have never felt worthy (although I believe that God thinks me worthy). I have never, even as a Mother, felt wanted or needed. SO I have never quite belonged.

One of the hardest question on this weekend of retreat, conference, workshop, therapy, discovery, is “Where are you from?”
Not here.
Not Earth.
Not New Hampshire.

I am an alien. My home is the third star in Orion's belt, 2nd planet to the right. Straight on until morning.

As a wee child I looked at the night sky and cried to go HOME.

WHAT AM I DOING IN LONG BEACH? I AM NOT A TEACHER, I AM NOT CERTIFIED OR TRAINED...

Am I here because of a mistake, a presumption—a lie? Did Erin THINK I was a teacher? Then I am here under false pretences. (HA! Are there TRUE pretences?)

I need to be Real, “put my money where my mouth is.” If I am willing to follow The Call then my RESPONDABILITY is to live in HOPE.

I had hope when I went on a retreat 18 months ago. I had hope when I attended an autism support group where I met Cathy, the presentor and now we present together. I had hope when I gave a keynote address to 200 teachers about autism. I had hope that the Spirit led me to Norwood, MA, to the conference hosted by the May Institute where I met Erin, Stephen, Maria and Robyn. And it all leads to
Here
Now.

Where I can struggle with words, images, emotions, and people
-but the Other
-the Others
-are LISTENING

-are RESPONDING
-are LIVING LIFE TOGETHER.

I am in so much physical pain this evening. My toes hurt my feet hurt my knees hurt my back hurts my hands hurt my neck hurts my skull hurts my dandruff hurts (okay—so I don't have dandruff, I just got caught up in the word pattern) my spolit ends hurt—YET I DO NOT HURT.

Freedom is dancing when there is pain. And crying about it and then laughing about it. Freedom is seeing the sparkies, the Light in the Other's eyes and those sparkies in the eyes look just like the Orion constellationand suddenly I am streaming flying to my Star and my Home planet BUT/AND ...IT IS HERE.

Oh yeah, so I sit down to write all this freedom stuff and PBS had on the British Invasion 1964-1974 and I am loving the music because that was my first voice, using the words and melodies of others in order to communicate and to relate which is WHY I know so many songs. I need just the right lyric or sound byte for each moment of life on planet Earth.

Then Lulu comes on and sings “To Sir, With Love” one of my favorite songs BUT the next song is “Wild Thang, you make my heart sing."

And all I could think was “I'M AUTISTIC????” Who put together this show list????

Why am I here? At the Freedom Writers Foundation with teachers from Hawaii, Alaska, The Dakota's, Florida, New Jersey, Nantucket, all over?

Many of you respond to me, to me, telling me that I touched your hearts.

Ah! So that is why a non-Teacher is here...to serve! Whatever it is, whoever I am, hearts amd minds have been touched, loved.

That makes me feel good.

But whoa—That means you have been listening to me, you are hearing what I am sharing, you have an inner response and to top it off you are communicating it BACK to me.

And doing so without lying, being GENUINE, so that means that we are in RELATIONSHIP. Does that mean the joke's on you? On me? Can I really have a relationship?
We ARE in a relationship (and if you leave me I will kill you...not, but just that passionate).

Freedom, remember Freedom? Courage?

All my life I have held on, sometimes with a strangle hold, to hope, or the idea of hope.
Because of who you all are, the Freedom Writer Teachers, you have helped me change more than any intervention, any coping mechanism or accommodation has ever helped. In five short days I learned more aboutbeing a HUMAN than with all the therapists I have known.

Because of your Truth, I don't feel so alien.

I feel like maybe Earth might be a Good Home after all.

Be it ever so humble, there is no place like home.
Thank you for living the genuine, humble, loving life.

Lost: A Sense of the Sacred

A response to Chapter 12 in Asperger's Syndrome

Our bodies are a physical reflection of a spiritual truth which our American—perhaps all Western industrialized un-Civilization—has forgotten.

Life is sacred, and our expression of love at its apex can be a nexus for transformation and healing.

Sadly, intimacy and gender are the focii of crude humor, of a user/manipulator/power mentality, and of a false pride within some helping professions especially since the “anti-establishment movements” of the 1960's wherein talking about the body blatantly somehow leads to—freedom? From past taboos?

If we were truly enlightened then how we evolve into intimate relationships would be spoken of with AWE, with a deep respect for personhood.

What we get is an arrogance that masquerades as freedom. Writers of fiction have been ordered to add “spice” to their books if they wish to sell. More people attend R rated movies on a regular basis than less violent or explicit films. Somehow blithely—or maybe it's determinedly—exposing the heart of a relationship to analysis has made it easier to use and to be used by lovers. The assumption has been that if we talk, talk, talk, show, show, anal-lyze that somehow we become “free” from the taboos of previous generations.

If we are so “free, then why is suicide the highest single cause of death amongst youth? Gender identity, rather than being a stepping stone to adulthood and positive relationships, is a major confusion. Detailed and pragmatic “health” curriculums are presumed to educate. But why are STD's, abortions and pregnancy so common in high school? Behaviors that less than a generation ago were an illness are not only okay, they are encouraged and even preferred behaviors in the media.

That is confusing.

I am not writing this to close off gender discussions and life choices. I believe in genuine freedom. I write this to highlight CULTURE CHANGE that is neither loving or respectful.
The uses of our bodies need to be toward healing and love. The manner of pursuing a relationship cannot solely be about physicality. Intimacy as JOY is far beyond prime time television's crass humor as well as the cold, detailed, “scientific” descriptions inherent in curriculums and textbooks.

Those souls entwined in neurological differences, who have already been labeled, insulted, misunderstood, railroaded and manipulated by (sometimes well-intentioned) interventions, are now targets for psychobabble and “professional pride” for research and “open” discussion. Sometimes, in reading “studies” by psychology's researchers, I think their goals are to “beat” this syndrome and prove how great THEY are. Their stated goals seem to aim toward healing but actually just summarize the pain and/or ignorance of a youth or adult.

When a soul already has difficulty talking and relating, how does teaching them about biology help?

I would like to present another concept, one that's been around since the early Hellenistic (Greek) era.

There is male. There is female. And there is androgynous.

In high school, reading my dictionary as usual, I discovered this word and for the next decade or two it saved my life.

Androgynous, using the botanical definition, is having the male and female aspects within one cluster...balanced. Both sides, no need for invading or being invaded. It is being perfectly balanced, having a nurturing side and a strong side. By developing my strong, outward task-oriented male nature consciously while also attending to my nurturing, creative and passsionate characteristics I found I did not HAVE to have a relationship based on gender. I could GIVE, I didn't NEED. I suspect that our culture could use more giving and less demanding.

The other word is INNOCENCE. Yes, I got teased a lot in and out of school. Yes, unscrupulous persons took advantage of my naiveté. Some still do with crude jokes that I just do not understnd. Nor do I want to understand.

What is wrong with innocence? Why is there this drive toward making everyone the same? Sullied?

When the sacred becomes mundane, trivialized, no wonder people confuse love and lust. So many hearts—so many minds and bodies—have been shattered when the promise of intimacy turns out to be a power trip and self-stimulation by the Other, by the intended beloved's body.

What could be joyful, freeing and healing has become another trap.

The most common songs are hymns or psalms. Love songs, love ballads, are the next most common theme. I haven't seen statistics to further define genre, but it would not surprise me if the great majority of love songs mourn loves lost.

We are physical persons. Some would have us defined by our gender because gender is somehow intrinsic just because it is physical. I think male and female natures go beyond so paltry a definition. Love is sacrificing the self, not stimulating the self. Love is choosing to respond, not being waited upon. Love is unafraid of being seen in the Light.

Be not afraid.

Make love, not war.

Co-morbidity and Culture Change Nov. 23, 2007 Reflection

Morbid. What a morbid word is morbid! Sounds morbid, looks morbid, yet the connotations are myriad for morbid.

Many of my short stories are morbid, or rather, have a morbid sense of humor. Now that, I believe, must be a True Oxymoron. Because I am literal and visual of mind, my word twistings have been labeled morbid.

So let's review morbid in Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus:
Morbid, adjective...aberrant, abnormal, brooding, dark, deadly, depressed, despondent, frightful, ghastly, grim, macabre, moody, unhealthy, unsound, unusual...

So if ONE morbid is so horrific, and the prefix CO- means either 'TWO' or 'alongside/with,' having CO-MORBID conditions must be really, really, really bad.

And now, for a brief message from the Digression Network...

In China's dynastic ages, as well as in Japan and other Asian Cultures, the royal physician's job--and his life--depended him keeping the royal family HEALTHY. With some emperors, when a royal scion or relative became ill, the physician had failed and his life was forfeit. In other words, the physician was not there to cure a condition AFTER it manifested, but his purpose was to PREVENT the appearance of disease.

And now for yet another episode of All My Digressions...

In early Christianity and throughout much of the Middle Ages mental and emotional aberrations were considered a Special Blessing from the Creator, and the entire village was charged with caring for the 'village idiots.' Not that this caring always had positive expression, but the teaching was for compassion and acceptance, not rejection.

And back to our Feature Presentation...

Co-Morbidity and the Autism Condition! Given the negative criteria and description of mental health conditions it amazes me that Asperger and Autism persons even reveal themselves in society! Have mercy on those neurodiverse beings who struggle, cope or manage several differences...they are TWICE as morbid...gloomy, frightful, abnormal, diseased and sullen! Gosh, maybe something needs to be addressed here.

Like Western medicine's pre-occupation with detailed lists of gruesome etiologies that depress the patient before any education of one's condition or conditions can illuminate the path to healing and recovery? Isn't focusing on extraordinary details an Aspergian diagnostic criteria?

Our fearless instructor (actually I don't know if he is fearless, but he stands in front of the class and that indicates something to me), along with more famous persons like Tony Attwood, Carol Gray, Stanley Greenspan, and some folks I know at the state university, are working hard to change themselves and their beliefs in order to look at Autism with NEW UNDERSTANDING.

But it is hard because the entire system is based on NORMAL, yet the historicity of culture is not taken into consideration, because what is normal in 2007, what is normal since the last Industrial Revolution in the 1890'2, is vastly different from many centuries of human development. The rise of the middle class mercantilism and the industrialization of Western Culture shifted the paradigm and technology—particularly technology as it affects local and global communications—has altered the way humans once thought of themselves. The Enlightenment (which didn't) and the “evolution” of Science as Solution firmly placed the person as a spiritual being—not on the back burner—but on a back shelf in a lower cabinet.

I think the metaphor fits.

The point is, that often the healing has to happen with the healer more than the patient. It's a fine line between helping someone adjust to life patterns. It is yet another to dwell on the dark side of distinctions, be those mental, emotional, or physical disparities.

In the Judeo-Christian ethic, there are virtues and vices. Humans engage in vices, and reverse the wounds of those choices by living within the virtues. Perhaps, if psychologists and physicians choose to look for pairs of Light...Co-Avidity?...to balance the co-morbidity diagnoses then neurodiversity will indeed experience a paradigm shift toward true healing, because the entire community will have healed.

Avid...ardent, devoted, eager, keen, passionate....

One hundred years ago blind and deaf persons had no rights, were institutionalized and misunderstood. Now there are copious writings and studies about the culture of blind and deaf persons.

Aspies and Auties are only behind the times. As we learn to communicate we will find one another, and while we may not exactly interact, we will “play” side-by-side and maybe the greater culture will change for the better because of this.

Errorless Reflection: The Clone Freedom Brigade? 11/19/2007

In reading about Errorless Learning I acknowledge a sense of repulsiveness. Life is not about errorless for the first part. It needs to be about acceptance and learning to “let go.” Also, second, I am wary of people patterning or role modeling speech with all of its complexities. Part of the intricacy of speech is the experiences of the speaker, and how those experiences and memories are revealed through language usage. I find each person has a unique voice, probably because I listen more than I watch when I am in relationship. This concept is akin to how authors have different voices...Clive Cussler from Robert Ludlum from Agatha Christie from Jane Austen from Shakespeare from Rumi from Marcus Aurelius...both the beloved author and the controversial one set a tone and a pace in their writings. And this tells the reader something about the author. I understand the desire to help make connections, but I worry about creating social clones, of having Auties and Aspies mimic the tonalities of their therapists, or educators, or parents.

Errorless Teaching became Errorless Learning became Errorless Modeling and each of these phrases captures a different essential concept and the evolutionary language reminds me of the crucial skill of bathroom use. When I was little the operative phrase was toilet teaching...of course for me that means teaching a toilet to do something but I can get past that pretty quickly. When my eldest was my littlest the higher consciousness baby experts led us toward toilet learning, a kinder gentler framework for that all-embarrassing aspect of the human condition. Perhaps it is because this utilitarian situation is embarrassing—even though every human has to learn this process and has had to since The Beginning—that toddler experts have not prescribed Toilet Modeling, although there are lots of picture books and even videos about the sensitive topic.

But reading the article about Errorless Modeling (by the way 'errorless' is NOT a word in the DICTIONARY or on SPELLCHECK) and additional online research fails to capture the experience. Watching an Errorless Modeling videoclip in class was so fascinating! Watching the prompting, the encouraging and interactions was amazing—and part of me was so jealous! I so want to be a better conversationalist and a better verbalist!

For all my journalling, all my observations and anthropological studies, I think I have hit the limit of that for me. All the prosody and pitch and volume and premeditated pauses only get me so far. Eventually the Other Person senses and acknowledges that I am, somehow, different. I have had friends leave me because I use words that are too big--they feel they cannot compete with me (I do NOT compete with people, that's stupid and sad), and they feel uneducated next to me (so? I do have several degrees). These events led me to an experiment that lasted several years...just how “dumb” does language have to be across relationships?

So I listened better to television (ostensibly at the 12th grade level in the 1970's) and read tabloids and craft/home makers' magazines (supposedly at the 8th grade level in the 1970's) and I practiced cuss words. I “dumbed down” my word choices. Unless I was in a university setting with colleagues, I never used a word longer than three syllables. THIS WAS HARD WORK.

After five years of verbal adaptations, my relationships lasted the same length of time.
When I was an adolescent, I figured out that part of my personality that warded off people was my word use and my facial expression. So my question to therapists and psychologists is this: Why are we addressing the symptomatology piecemeal and not the trait that runs deeply through a person? Symptomotology is good beginning, but it goes not far enough nor does it address the fact that a person is genuinely autitstic, not being a goof.

For me, watching films and television, observing people in action in restaurants, train stations and airports, and writing copious notes was how I began my NT (neurotypical) training. I had 100's of journals filled with observations. Then getting into Theater was my next best adventure. I had a script! I had a director to tell me which emotion went where and when and how! And I had other actors who wanted to perform together so we were all committed to getting a scene “right.” I had watched so many movies and television shows that I could run the film through my mind, find the right actress (although not always on the first try) and voila! A Star Is Born!

Not.

So mimicry, parroting another's speech patterns, and cloning NT's out of Auties may have short term spectacular effects, but does it do ENOUGH? For 30 YEARS I have consciously and continuously sought communication between myself and those I have come to consider Earthlings. I think 30 YEARS are statistically significant...just wish I had more documentation and quantification but I believed I was in a minority of 100 or so (and that was being Very Hopeful) so I really didn't think what I had done would change the world much.
Only I was wrong. Now my differences and the fact that I have studied myself and The Earthlings are proving helpful. I give presentations on how I perceive the environment and people and various coping strategies and research and both parents and professionals have found this helpful. My question when someone tells me “Oh,CarolAnn, you were great!” I ask back “In what way was this helpful to you?”

Specific, explicit, well-defined-skip-the-connotation responses are what I ask of persons that declare me “great” because hyperbole in our culture of entertainment is the norm and I want to know what about me deserved such an appellation and I want a specific response because I hope to change the world.

Maybe that is part of the Normals discomfiture with me...No matter what has happened in my life, I hope. And I hope that treatments and interventions such as CBT and Errorless Modeling truly does change the world, also. Long term, measurable and joyful change.

The children deserve that.

The photo is an uploaded clip from the I, Robot film review Web site.

Anxiety and Cognitive Behavior

I wrote this essay for a graduate course last Spring at Antioch University called Autism Spectrum Disorder Graduate Certificate. I am still trying to have the department delete the word 'disorder.'


The Reader's Digest Great Encyclopedic Dictionary defines the psychological concept of ANXIETY as "a tense emotional state characterized by fear and apprehension."

Persons with Asperger's Syndrome, as well those with the high IQ autism, often struggle with anxiety and depression. Indeed, emotions are a challenge that can lead to depression as well as anxiety.

In the not-too-distant past, the flat emotional affect (facial, body and gestural display) of Auties and Aspies led clinicians to believe that we were cold, aloof and completely not empathetic.

Part of me understands this and part of me is angered by the judgement inherent in this.

It is well and good to create positive strategies, to use role modelling, videography, prosocial skills training, and pragmatic language skills. BUT if children are experiencing anxiety and depression, then that BY DEFINITION means that there are emotions running rampant in the heart and minds of Auties and Aspies regardless of expressive language deficits.

Then I ask myself, and by extension I would ask the researchers, what CAUSES the anxiety?

My answer is fear. Just as sensory filters can be different from the majority (neurotypicals or NT's), so can emotional filters. Both emotions and sensory input affect the central nervous system, the auto immune system, and the endocrine system.

We are electrical beings, our atoms and molecules radiating energy from conception to death, and probably beyond. So neurotypicals intuitively receive emotional signals from one another.

Which brings me to Theory of Mind, which is like an Abbott and Costello film...Abbot says 'We have to get back to the car.' Costello replies 'I know that.' Then the repartee begins...'How do you know that? I just thought it.' Costello quips 'I don't know, but I know you were thinking.' Then is progresses: 'How do you know I was thinking?' ' How do you know I was thinking what you were thinking before I told you I know.'

I am paraphrasing their routine, but Theory of Mind hypothesizes that NT's develop this trait naturally, while Auties do not.

BUT, if there are buried or inaccessible thoughts, can not there be buried and inaccessible emotions ? From whence comes this anxiety? From whence comes this depression? There must be interior knowledge of some sort for this response to exist.

What if, like sensory integrative dysfunction wherein all the senses are over aroused or under stimulated, what if emotions lack the same filtering constellation? We feel emotions all right, but like flickering lights and noisy crowds these electrical emissions overwhelm, and the mind, which is supposed to develop ToM intuitively, creates a protective barrier instead?



I know when emotions are running rampant. I have mentioned to others that walking along a city sidewalk is akin to a Coast Guard cutter breaking through the Artic ice flow. BUT I cannot interpret them. Indeed they often feel like an attack. This is a large part of why I never attended autism support group meetings before last year.



On the one side, I was acting Autie by keeping to myself and learning by my self. On the other side I have interacted with enough parents to know that fear and anxiety on THEIR part fills a room with tension-which I do not interpret well or handle (filter) well. So why would I want to attend a meeting with that type of energy?



Which brings me back to underlying emotions and from whence do they come?



Lately I often think that all the therapists, psychologists and researchers are looking at this neurological difference from such a global position that they, the NT's of the world, cannot see the details of what is happening.



I need to digress and tell a personal story here and it is so hard that verbal and written language is so linear. I wish you could simply plug into my mind and see all the pictures, but linear is what I have so here is the story.



I used to meditate alot in my twenties. Having five children precludes that opportunity right now, but just before I got married I was soaking in a hot tub relaxing, with candlelight and Pachabel's Canon in D playing. Then I had this weird experience, wherein I was in this dark, quiet and gentle place. I had no worries, I felt safe and content. Then I felt attacked, pushed and shoved and squashed. Then in my mind there was all this noise and almost shouting and people calling for help and then bright sharp lights assaulted my senses and I was cold and alone and scared.



When i aroused from this experience I had the thought that this was a birth experience. I asked my Mom about our birth, and I discovered an incredible fact: my Mom and I both almost died during labor. There were indeed doctors and nurses yelling and as is typical of birth in 1950's hospitals, lots of bright lighting and noises.



This experience and new knowledge led me to visualize birth, and when I had my own first baby I set up a birthing room at home with a midwife, and I had low lighting, gentle music playing, and calm loving attendants. What a different experience my son had!



But I use this visualization in talks about autism. I ask attendees to close their eyes and imagine the safest, warm, shadowed place they could. I ask them to imagine feeling so contented, no hunger, no thirst, no cares or concerns. I ask them to imagine peace and safety. This is harder than one might think. Then I have them imagine that the room suddenly closes in on them, that it shrinks and tightens and eventually squishes them. I have them try to think about a loud experience such as a construction site and city traffic, and suddenly being thrust from safety into extraordinarily bright sunlight, sharp cold, lonliness, hunger and scratchy rough clothing.



Then I ask them for what this guided meditation might signify. It amazes me how quickly so many, especially women, respond with the understanding that I am describing the birth process, what it looks like from the inside, from the baby's perspective.



So now we come back to the highly sensitive body, the greatly sensitive emotional state of a neonate. Can we see and understand from where comes the first fear, the first anxiety? What others percieve of as joyful and fulfilling can be a nightmare for the littlest of us.


I think it is fantastic that Cognitive Behavioral Therapies can help us reduce and redirect anxiety. But until we understand how primal these feelings are then we are not healing and addressing the underlying or root cause.



We all need to feel safe and loved. We all need a sense of peace and if not happiness at least contentment. When a newborn feels attacked, then the shut down and closed filtering system for sensory overload becomes understandable. Teaching strategies for behavioral and emotional responses is a significant help.



Demonstrating safety and restructuring memory may go a longer way toward helping an Autie or Aspie feel safe and confident enough to pursue life, liberty, and happiness, in one's family, one's culture, and society.

When in Rome, When in Autie Land

I love Tony Attwood.

This is not Tony Attwood. It is Don Adams of the 1960's TV show, Get Smart, and he comes into this story. Later. (The Blogging Editor doesn't let me place photographs where I want them.)

But back to Tony Attwood.

I have not always loved him. I thought perhaps he was a bit arrogant a bit presumptuous. But I know him better now. I have read his latest book The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome and I have also had the honor of attending his conference in Boston this past September. Carol Gray was his co-presenter and the Autism Association of New England sponsored the conference, for which there were almost 1,000 attendees.

But I still have difficulty with some psychological presumptions. But to be fair, perhaps that is because Auties and Aspies are each different with a different constellation of affects, affectations, and affections.

Theory of Mind is the concept that people can use past experiences and knowledge to predict and/or explain another's behavior. It is the idea that one can figure out, perhaps, what another person feels, thinks, desires and believes. Apparently the majority of people, the 'neurotypicals,' can perform this grand feat at a young age and that it begins with pretend play.

An example for pretend play is the child's ability to take anything and transform it, for instance, using a banana to be a dump truck, or a teddy bear doll to represent a mother or father.

For me, this is tantamount to lying. Truly. One should use a tool for its purpose, there is an inherent rightness in that. So perhaps it is the NT child whose perceptions are squirrelly and it is only because the majority plays this way that it can be considered normal.

What is normal? It is only a statistic, but humans set much store by such numbers and for me that is a sign of their insecurity...If everyone has a car, and I get a car (even if it is a decrepit 1986 Ponitac Skylark) then I fit in. If I get a Lamborgini, then I not only fit in overall, I excel somehow.

But does anyone besides environmentalists consider the miracle of feet? I suppose weight loss specialists would also value the gift of mobilization.

My first pretend play insight was from television, which I knew was fiction even when my peers did not and still today many cannot tell the difference. Hmmm. There was a comedy show, Get Smart, and in it Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 had many "tools" that were unusual and that parodied the technology in espionage. I was totally fascinated by the idea that a person might take off a shoe and talk into it just like a telephone! To this day I will mimic the actor, whipping off anything--even a shoe--and bark out "Hello, Chief? This is Max!" I think it is particularly funny when I actually do that with a phone handset or cell phone. (Of course it is best when someone remembers the show!)

Perhaps this attention to playing with shoes is what instigated my interest in the social world in junior high school. Personally I think that it is poor timing for figuring out there are other important persons as SO MUCH goes on in adolescence.

This blog is too long...

Anyway, there is this game, a test, that psychology researchers use to determine if a child has Theory of Mind or whether it may be considered a "deficit." They are all complex, but the researchers think these set-ups are simple. Apparently many children already understand this game and on a type of 'auto-pilot' can predict behavior.

But I would like to suggest a different tact.

Sally and Ann are friends. Sally has a basket and a marble. Ann has a box. Sally leaves Ann alone, at which point Ann takes the marble and hides it in her box. The Great And Ominous Question that 'proves' Theory of Mind is: When Sally returns, where will she think that the marble is?

This, of course, is the wrong question.

Here it is from My Side of the Mountain.

How do you know that Sally and Ann are friends? How long have they known one another? Are they neighbors or school pals? Are they wearing similar clothing? Do they really have similar interests, especially since one has a box and one has a basket? Why does one have a box and one a basket? Is Sally related to Little Red Riding Hood who also had a basket? If there is only a marble in the basket, why? Misuse of space, if you ask me, as well as misuse of purpose. Girls don't play marbles, they play jacks. Boys play marbles, so why does Sally have a marble? Did she steal it from her brother? Does she have a brother? What color is it? Is it a cats' eye? Is it one of those big ones with lots of colors? If Sally and Ann are friends, why does Sally leave Ann alone, without any explanation? And if Ann is her friend, why does she take, or steal, the marble? Sally returns without any explanation and Ann doesn't even say "hi." Aren't they supposed to say "hi" if they are friends? I could generate another dozen question but you get the idea, don't you?

And you want me to think about Sally's thinking?

I have had tests like this, and truthfully, True and False or Multiple Choice questions are the bane of my academic life. There are just too many "threads" to follow, too many word choices. Connotations rule the speech world, and they are dangerous for me.

So I would like the Tony Attwoods to think (ToM?) about a different type of processing. We know that Aspies prefer to see details rather than the global picture. Could that not be true about these silly games? What if Aspies know they are games and are trying to figure out the POINT? Maybe the question should be....What is the therapist thinking you are thinking about this game?

And this face recognition/eye gaze thingee...What if, from birth, Aspie babies learned from the Brazelton Baby Dance that eyes lie? That faces don't always reflect true feelings and that the people closest to them HIDE themselves? What if that takes the place of cuteness learning (ToM) so early, so innately, that hiding one's self is the impetus for gaze aversion? One is asked to listen...the ears are on the side of the head, and the sound comes out the mouth. The mouth is statistically where Aspies tend to watch. That would not be a problem for deaf persons, why is it considered a problem for Aspies? That is from where the sound emanates! I don't hear with my eyes! In fact, I have to consciously close out visual input to listen with my whole heart and mind. Is a little gaze aversion too much to ask of NT'S?

Looking into one's eyes is paramount to gazing into the soul, and my rule is that this type of intimacy is reserved for those whom I love. I make eye contact, as painful and embarrassing as it can be, because it is expected. But I reiterate...people lie through their eyes and facial expressions. I often reflect that how a person uses their HANDS tells more about their true Nature.

I will confess to this: In Psychology Today, a few years back, there was a mini-test of Simon Baron-Cohen's work, about 100 faces with emotions assigned to them. I have been a performing artist, I read alot, and I watch lots of films. I thought I would "ace" this test.

I got four faces correct. And this summer I read that they, Baron-Cohen's team in England, have identified like 451 different emotions. Like, we NEED that many? Isn't life hard enough?

Which brings up the issue--WHY DO PECS BOARDS ONLY HAVE 3 or 4 EMOTIONS ON THEM? Sad, Angry or Happy...how about BORED? Joyful? And why not use REAL faces not line drawings? Aren't Real Faces and Real Emotions the POINT?

I digress.

There are these thingees labelled emotions. Sigh. Aspies are a paradigm shift. I prefer to laugh and dance at funerals because the person is FREE. I cry at movies, but not in life. I think, though, that Aspies have not the monopoly on this difficulty with emotions.

The entire male portion of the human race also has trouble. I asked my husband for like 10 years, "How are you feeling?" I ask this of many men. Now most people actually misrepresent the Truth, but men almost always say FINE. They are thinking about PHYSICALLY feeling fine. I learned the social lesson shortly after graduating college...the question refers to emotional feelings. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? can be a mere greeting (a concept which took me a long time to understand and is one with which I still struggle) or a genuine inquiry.

A wedding is joyful, but people cry. A birth is painful but people smile and rejoice. Time is an invention of industry and its requirements of people, and being late for work or appointments makes for Major Stress, but it is not REAL.

So I wait. Tell me a story. Tell me the story of the odd connections and leapings and rules of the majority. At the rate of autism incidence, it would be good to understand the Typically Developing. Auties may be the majority someday and I think that we think that you all think maybe we could learn not to judge, not to use sarcasm, not to tease or bully.

You think?

Auties, The Final Frontier

If I cannot travel in a space rocket, then googling and blogging is the next best thing. I am amazed. When I was liberated from my desperate search for normalcy with the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome 13 years ago, I was ecstatic because nothing else in the medical paradigm answered all my questions and pain. Most of my early research was in medical libraries and I had friends, not practioners, in the medical world who helped me locate information and statistics.

Now -- WOW! There is so much information, research, data, and opinions..and opinions...and diatribes and system dumps and ouches and then some more information...all happily launched and ensconced orbiting merrily in cyberspace. Can any site or cite be trusted within this morass of electrical leaping about? Can books be interpreted and utilized with confidence?

This is a fair and serious question. Here I sit in a small cottage in a small town in a small state with my large family reading about autism online and on paper (why is one a compound word and one not?) for my course work. So I check out the required reading. Interesting videography cuing and auditory cuing concepts to learn social skills. Yep. I could use some of that.

Then I began tabbing through links and find all this STUFF that includes some marvelous insights and tender communications and then there are those who Whine. But especialy sad are the testimonies from so many of my compatriots about the teasing and denigrating that they have lived through. Some of the saddest are statements like "Asperger's is the new fad, there's no such thing. It's just an excuse for self indulgence, laziness, and rudeness."

My favorites...."I don't believe someone so smart can be so stupid." And the ubiquitous...."You are too intelligent-you scare me."

Perhaps that very fear, so capitalized upon by dictators over history, is why we are teased. But there is good news, there are good people studying and exploring, without prejudice, and searching for a new paradigm.

People ask, parents and researchers ask "Why is Autism happening?" and they think the answer lies in medicine, toxins, allergens, genetics. It does not. The right question is "Why is Autism happening?" and the answer is BECAUSE WE ARE NEEDED. The answer lies in seredipity, not science. There will aways be those who are indefinably yet undefinably different. The gift that we are is to help others Trust, Love, and percieve Beauty. That is why Autism happens.

My joy at never having someone suggest bipolar, multiple personality dissing order, obsessive compulsive dissing order or narcissism is boundless. However, judgements are yet rampant, like PRESUMING I am arrogant or rude or self-absorbed and foolish. One of my concerns, not a diatribe, is that the"helping professions" have been trying to guess at what is inside the thoughts and hearts of people who speak a different language, live in a differently scaffolded reality. The language in my heart and mind follows a star, not a textbook. I am not lonely, but I like solitude. I am not rude, I prefer honesty. BUT I am learning diplomacy. Others collect objects. My objects are words and ideas, my gift synthesis.

Specialization in industry and science, history, and art, is acceptable practice. There are few generalists in technoculture. Autism stretches those limits and boundaries, and the answers to relating to this world are cross-disciplinary. The Occupational Therapists, the Speech and Language Therapists, the psychologists who put aside their doctrine to look beyond, the writers and artists and poets, the computer programmers who allow this chaos called the Internet to flourish so we can "talk" across all cultures, all countries, and the loving educators who yearn to perceive the person within, philosophers and anthropologists...and many more...this nexxus of communication is where the genuine progress wll be developed.

I get frustrated reading the experts and what they think is going on inside. Yes, my face always looks serious or sad. No, that is not my emotions. Yes, I use 'big words.' No, I am not trying to make you look stupid. Yes, I have too much talent or too many words or too much need. No, I am not talented enough to make relationships work; I have not enough words to heal each hurt; my needs are the same as everyone, read Maslow...or Kierkegaard...or Pascal...or Scripture. I am not broken although I feel that way. I do not LOOK autistic (should I start drooling?), tell me what autistic looks like.

Auties are the ultimate specialists. Talk with me.

Oh, and being a specialist of special interests and using vague non-descriptive nouns like STUFF and THINGEE is not a contradictory affect but fun, an indication of a mind exploring more fascinating meanderings...well, I can be optimistic!

Reading the interpretations, the guesses that are wanna-be answers, I think they are painful. I am willing to dialogue and share. Be not afraid. (You and me.) I only bite on Tuesdays, in Belgium.

And if you whine about the pain of being autistic, or the pain of living with someone wthin the spectrum, be not surprised if I offer you some cheese and crackers...Anyone for brie, Carr's peppercorn whole wheat crackers, and cabernet sauvignon?

When so much is New, what is aging?

What happened to separation of Church and State? All Holy Eve (which is NOT a druidic holyday but Christian in its roots) was set aside for praying and celebrating those who have gone beyond this bodily existence. It is in its essence a celebration of life eternal as well as an admission of our dark side.

So humbly entering into this darkness I went on a first...a haunted hay ride with my 3 younger sons, 8, 13, and just-turned-17. I was disappointed as the wagon was pulled by a tractor, not horses. The horses were hurt last year, so we shivered under the stars and a wonderful full moon, howling at the silver circle between the vignettes rousingly acted by local teens.

And yes indeed, I was spooked several times.

And this evening I toodled along behind my "herd" of birth children and neighorhood children as we bounced into spooky yards, driveways lined with lit pumpkins, homes with flashing bats and skeletons, one even hosting a flatscreen television with ghoulish animated rappers. VERITAS!

And today is my second day as a blogger, not a pretty word nor a descriptive word but a technoword, not lovely but that's where my thoughts come in and the photographs evolve.

OF COURSE, if others can invent words then so can I, and so....TECHNOWORD.

Another first.

But now it is time to read a story to my neurotypical youngest, 100 % boy, rascal, pirate, Jedi, dinosaur hunter, hugger and smoocher. My Aspie tween is writing his novel. My ADD young man is competing with his 21 year old brother on Halo 3 (can't see the point, but my addiction was Tetris and Pacman, so what could I know?), and my lovely young woman is at, horrors, a Halloween Party...oh, no pun intended.

Okay, so my Aspie tween was watching the big guys play Halloween Halo online...that explains all the NOISE rising up from the basement! Another first....zombies in my home! Can my highly sensitive body and imagination recover from all this noise, flashing strobe lighting, creepy ghosts and toddler princesses and preschool Siths (whose parents were born AFTER the first Great Star Wars film) and SUGAR?

Well, I guess it's time to wipe the grease paint off of my face...I went as an alien from a multispectrum sunlit planet...third from the right straight past Orion.

And did I ever tell you that I cried when I first watch ET on the big screen the very first time the little guy said..."Home...phone home..." Do you think I could "Google" pics and try to make the same interstellar communication machine? I found a turn table under some boxes in the basement last week....

Last Night or early this morning I dreamt I forgot something and I did...The reason my pup is named Shakespeare is because I love reading and performing and directing and designing the Bard's works. My undergraduate degree is in acting and directing. I have directed, designed and performed for many regional community theater companies.

I earned a MS in Public Policy Analysis specializing in health and education issues analysis. So going into Autism Advocacy is a continuation of a thread of interest in the human person.

The rest of the Asimov quote....
The stars, like dust encircle me, in one vast burst of Light; and al of space I seem to see in one vast burst of Sight.

The Stars like Dust encircle me

A quote from Isaac Asimov...

I am named CarolAnn, but I have had many names and many labels. I am an artist, working in watercolors, acrylics, pen-and-ink, and CRAYONS. I am a musician and I play guitar, piano/keyboard, and recorder. I have cut an album and I suppose stated that way dates me? I used to play coffee houses but now I play in churches. I am published as an essayist, poet, short storyist, and political cartoonist. I am a Wife of 25 years--a significant statistic! I am the mother of 5 birth children and dozens of souls that float into and out of my life. I used to scuba dive and ride a Suzuki 850 bike and I love horses, dogs (my service dog is a miniature dachshund mix named Shakespeare Aristotle Redboots...poor thing but that should tell you all more about me), and cats...and eagles.

I live in a world labelled High Functioning Autism. I love the night sky, the wind, and the ocean.

I am now enrolled at Antioch Universtiy in Keene, NH, in their Autism Spectrum Certificate Program. Actually, it is titled Autism Spectrum DISorder, but I am trying to change that idea.

This blog consists of reflections based on the course Introduction to Counselling Interventions, both information from the class proper and the readings supporting the course.

But today it's just me.

And I have no idea where this program will lead me. This time last year I was in hiding and didn't wish anyone to know anything about my diagnosis...I have had quite enough teasing and sarcasm, thank you. Now I am in a graduate level program. I know I want to help people, and I already do that thanks to the gluten-free/casein -free section of the grocery stores. When I am shopping I often stand near a crying, or sighing Mom, who notices my confidence in snatching up packaging and who literally begs..."Do you know about this diet thing?"

And of course I do. And we talk, and I visit them and learn to love their kids and help with emotional support and resourcing.

So I am an adventurer as well, and this program, to paraphrase Peter Pan, will be an awfully big adventure. BTW, MY HOME is the THIRD star to the right--just past Orion, and straight on to the rainbow.

Each person I meet is a star, and we form constellations here on Earth. It is my hope that I will help "polish" a few stars so they can shine as brightly as they choose.