Color bytes Dream 11 5 2010

I had a dream. It was stolen, painted in a time warp by Titian, lost by the Medici's, hung in the Hague, stolen by Stalin then Hitler then rescued by my guardian angel, & discovered in an attic in Harlem. The artist took a series of digital prints and posted it on YouTube, and I found my dream again. But I dreamt it in color & now it was in gray tones.

Spontaneous Planning

Birthing children

Creating family

Destroys spontaneity

Which ironically is

Required

When one has children

Planning chaos

Chaotic planning

Spontaneous grocery shopping

Meals needing planning

What is next, next, next

Spontaneous nap

during

Planned television show

Planned basketball practice

Evolving spontaneous

Snowball fight

AH yes

Holey Holy Wholly

Are there two of me

Inner prismatic light

Gentle wind-chiming music

Wafting inside

Real to me

Yet the Others

Perceive otherness

In me from me

Making me what

Who I am

Not

A robot, an Alien,

A calculating computer

Brilliant brain without

heart?

Singing I smile

Moving quick bouncing

Inside graceful dancing

The Others see me

Still

Frozen

Lost I am

Not

Can I meld outside

And inside?

Should I?

Maybe my colors and

Music are mine for

A Reason

Redeeming Grace

October 2, 2010

LifeLights, LifeJoys: Illuminating the sparklings of childhood

(July 12, 2009)

Lights.2
(Toddler Memory)

still still still
stay very still
scratching scalp, stretching hair
Now I can see
button tugging, sweater shrugging
“Go out and play”

launched into sunshine
Ah mmmmm mmmmm
eyes closed, face upturned
fingers lead hands lead arms
Up into the Light
to OPEN
mmmmm Tree appears
in heart, feet moving

Woods, aah mmmmm, touch,
sniff, head caresses bark
palms squōsh crevasses
Ah Ah Ah mmm mmm
eyes wander upward
black spikes tickling blueness
(Dead tree to adults, not me)
bottom slides to earth, back leans on trunk
Breathe Love Light Happy

glittering light playing with
hundred leaves hundred colors green
hum huu huu mmmmm mmm

still still still
stay very still

LifeLights, LifeJoys: Illuminating the sparklings of childhood

(Explaining the wee big joys within autism: CarolAnn Edscorn, Jaffrey, NH; July 11, 2009)

Lights.1

(Earliest Memory)

Want
To
Be
Over
There

So warm, so pretty, little sparkies
Dancing
So far away, and I am so small
That square of Light
Glancing
Sideways to see better

Gray shadows, muted sounds
Meaningless, unabsorbing
Movement compared to
Light

Want to be over there
Not in this wood square bars
Breathe slow out
Light expands
Suck air in
Light flickers
Staying in place
Light gone to gray
Overhead, harsh ball of
Harsh light
Not the same, look away
Laying in another wood square bars
Darkness, so dark, missing light

Repeat

Change wood square bars

Want
To
Be
Over
There

So far away, and I am so small

30 days out of 35 cloudy and rainy--so we look for gladness

Hiding gray reveals other truths
The tempered light
Opens color to eyes
Which see twilight
But the daisies shine
Not gray sadness
But riotous gladness
As the ordinary
Now takes center stage
In bright glory
Like galaxies of stars
Hidden sunshine
Explodes in uplifting white
With purple loose strife
With deep blue delphinium
Accenting the joy

Gray
Light
Joy

Where is your focus?
(July 3, 2009; Jaffrey roadsides, NH)

Processing.12 The Final Beginning

Ice ship crushing through Arctic layers
City navigating through crush of people
Walls around them each one hard
Hurts to be human, I think

Chaos of colors of faces of postures
Cacophony of winds, car horns, hawkers,
Pigeon cooings, baby cries, screeching tires,
Filtering din, discerning images fluxing
Twirling and spinning reality

Wounded healers, wounded warriors,
Wounded hearts gaping with their pain
Making patches, band aids, plaster covers
Pretending the wounds are not there

But they are, sacred blood oozing unseen
Felt, perceived, recognized
This is why they build their Walls
On the outside so I am buffeted
Pushed around, bashed by walls invisible
Real like bricks, like wood, like cement
But imperceptible to The Normals

Yet they see my walls, my interior
Walls; they want me to come outside my
Walls; but their Walls are acceptable
Their wounded, bandaged hearts
Reeking of pain, of fear, of anger
Stop building layers of hiding

Let the wounds be
Through those gaping holes pours
Light; through the piercings shines
The truth of personhood

If you want me to come out
From behind my walls
Lower yours